Here they are. If only I put this effort into my actual job.
Jason Spezza: F - This guy keeps playing for the team that traded him three years ago, according to every Sens fan, ever.
Daniel Alfredsson: A - At 39 years old, The Alfie keeps playing like he's 37.
Milan Michalek: F - We lost the Heatley trade, and this injury-prone bum won't let us forget it, said every Sens fan on Oct 4, 2011.
Nick Foligno: F - Our inability to trade him set this rebuild back, literally, minus two years. Thus, accelerating the future and breaking the space-time continuum.
Chris Neil: C - Continues to fight other tough-guys and then hand-wave to the crowd, gesturing that they should probably get up and leave now in order to avoid post-game traffic jams.
Erik Condra: F - Despite playing 3rd and 4th line minutes for less than a full season, he has failed to score 20 goals in a full NHL season, something that Ottawa fans demand.
Zack Smith: A - The best player in the lineup whose name starts with "Z".
Kaspars Daugavins: F - Called up only for Movember, he has failed to report back to Binghamton.
Colin Greening: F - At 25 years old, he is elevating the average age of the team to levels that are unacceptable for a rebuild.
Zenon Konopka: B - The second best player in the lineup whose name starts with "Z".
Jesse Winchester: F - Given his rugged good looks and feisty playing style, inevitably draws comparisons to Mike Fisher, and loses out in both the "bible-thumping" category and "hot, famous wife" category.
Bobby Butler: A - Given that every newspaper and webpage uses the headline "The Butler Did It" when Little Bobby B scores and Ottawa wins, he's given them surprisingly, and thankfully, little reason to run this headline this year.
Erik Karlsson: F - Setting the bar for himself too high, thus leading to disappointment for Sens fans every year for the next 20 years.
Chris Phillips: A - By refusing to let Ottawa trade him, he is using up valuable cap space that would otherwise be thrown away by management for some old Russian.
Filip Kuba: A - Proving all the skeptics wrong, Kuba has single-handedly resurrected the team to levels of respectability. Unlike last year, when he single-handedly lead the team down a path of ruin.
Sergei Gonchar: A - Can only compare favourably to the other old Russian that we gave $5M to.
Brian Lee: F - Is endlessly being ID'd at the theatre to get into PG-13 movies.
Craig Anderson: F - Is the only thing standing between us and Patrick Roy, er…Robin Lehner.
Alex Auld: A - Is, in no way, impeding Robin Lehner.
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